When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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