god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
