oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
People in love make me want to vomit
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't turn off my feet"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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