im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
