ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
