y did u give ur computer a hand job?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
