i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
