He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
