just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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