if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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