He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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