I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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