I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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