I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
