I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
