Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
bring money and cleavage
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
