I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
