Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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