I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
