Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
