My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
