How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Mom said you looked used
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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