Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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