dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize