i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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