Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
3pm strippers are depressing
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
