my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
