sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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