I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
