I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
