I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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