I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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