I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
