I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
