I cannot find my penis.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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