Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
