just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
