the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
