bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
