Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
