and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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