I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
