i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
