Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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