somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
