Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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