I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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