I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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