I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
