oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
