i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
