drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
