True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize