I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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